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Japan’s Insanity Deepens

August 16, 2010

Alright, Japan. I’m at a loss for words.

For years I have playfully muttered about how strange you are after watching your bizarre films, listening to your weird music and observing your strange customs and your even stranger obsessions.

But today, I’ve officially run out of ways to express my disbelief at your ongoing – and possibly deepening? – insanity.

First, I discovered that several of your “oldest” people are actually corpses. That’s right.

Police recently discovered that one of your oldest men has actually been dead for more than 30 years. The supposed 111-year-old was found mummified in his bed, hidden away from the authorities by his daughter, so she could continue collecting his pension.

Japan, we’ve oft mimicked your diet and lifestyle in hopes of soaking up some of your secrets to longevity. But now police have discovered hundreds of similar stories of false old agedness: centenarians that have inexplicably dropped off the face of the Earth.

What’s going on, Japan? Then I came across this: your Nakizumo (Baby Cry Sumo) competition.

Thousands of mothers line up to volunteer their babies (aged six months to three years only please) into a competition that pits sumo wrestlers against each other in a battle to make babies cry.  Whoever can make their baby cry first wins.

Some resort to screaming in their baby’s face while others don devil masks, no doubt implanting deep seeded fears of horn-headed men . . . and maybe even rival babies.

So, basically, men who train their entire lives to be overweight and wear giant diapers compete to scare the shit out of innocent babies. Yup, that’s pretty fucking weird.

I will continue to observe your bizarre evolution with careful trepidation, Japan.

You are one strange place indeed.

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