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This Is Really Where We’re At? Sundays!

May 30, 2010

Police said they “could be in possession of squeeze bottles or containers of feces.”

The Globe and Mail

Can we talk about this for a moment, guys?  In this disgustingly genius plan, four people are working together targeting people who recently withdrew money from ATMs (or ABMs, whichever you prefer).  One will EVER SO STEALTHILY squirt the poo (that’s right folks.  THIS IS REAL LIFE), then the second will point it out (“Oh, you seem to have soiled your shirt with what appears to be crunchy Nutella!  How embarrassing for you!”), the third tries to help you clean it off (“Oh, is that poo?  I’ve got just the thing…”) while the fourth person robs you blind.  Isn’t that just the worst?  Poo-covered and robbed in Toronto (the next “Sleepless in Seattle”).

A couple of things:

1) Why does it have to be poo?  Why can’t it be ice cream or ketchup or mustard or something that you could logically assume might end up on your shirt while walking through a mall or a crowded area?  Frankly, poo would make me MORE guarded.  Also, somebody willfully offering up their services to clean up what is undeniably poo?  I’d smell a scam from a mile away.  Yes, I’d smell a scam OVER the smell of my newly acquired poo.  “Why yes, this IS poo on my shirt.  What’s it to you?  What’s your angle, chief?”

2) This sounds like the rejected screenplay for Home Alone 5: Escape from the Poo Bandits.

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